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I’d Like To Die Right Here | GO Magazine

The bodyguard of Ronnie from ”
Jersey Shore
” grabs my personal butt.

“ladies constantly state they may be able deal with their own liquor, even so they can not,” the guy has the scent of low priced Parmesan and fake Dolce and Gabbana.

Why don’t we be real: Ronnie probably does not have a bodyguard. And also if he did, I am not sure furthermore pathetic, the truth that this fat old-man thinks that such a job title was a pussy magnet or perhaps the proven fact that we accept his chance challenge. 10 Patron shots are arranged throughout the filthy bar, in which I’ve accomplished one way too many body shots.

We cleanly take each chance without flinching. My Personal
university girl
had not too long ago split up beside me and I had been on a purpose to obtain as inebriated as humanly feasible. To a good start. There clearly was a significant shortage of out lesbians in Hempstead
Extended Island
, so with this night, I settled on Ronnie’s bodyguard. It was a period when the chance of interest and cost-free products was still exciting.

We hurriedly shove my self in your bathroom stall to evaluate the woman social media marketing, publish that i’m getting the BEST TIME EVER on my own, before she in the course of time texts me personally. It feels like a punch from inside the abdomen — which everybody claims — but that is cause it certainly screwing knocks you out over see her name on your display screen.

I clunk out on the eco-friendly rickety patio, wc paper caught to the bottom of my brown SODA wedges that i obtained from Joyce Leslie, and drunkenly slur on the bodyguard “i am a leeeSsssbbiiaANnn.”

We twist my ankle and am immediately kicked outside of the club, that is particularly embarrassing because i usually have now been able to handle my alcohol and my personal heels, but tonight was really throwing my butt. Women constantly state they may be able deal with their particular liquor, however they can not.

Perhaps you have been very heartbroken that you do not recognize yourself or what your location is or whom you’re with? I became with women which were rarely my buddies and would cruise me personally in the lake for a bump of coke at a lengthy Island club I regularly constant using my ex, but suddenly, it seems various different and incorrect. I am within my body, which feels all different and incorrect. I am not at all within my mind.

We fall onto all fours, my clean knees from the Hempstead pavement, which can be completely full of condoms and Ebony ‘n’ Milds and needles, and heave like i am undertaking pet cause in pilates. I vomit profusely onto the ground. Here is the very first time i have actually puked from drinking within my life. I just couldn’t deal with seeing that book. The 10 tequila shots in a row probably did not assist possibly. My personal butt cheeks go out of my personal Hollister short pants and because Im hazey and particular comfy and because really a warm August evening, we think about getting a nap from inside the parking area. Falling asleep appears thus reassuring when you are injuring.

But Gianna and Tay are call at the parking area with me, holding my personal hair and yelling incoherently. They aren’t mostly truth be told there both. Gianna is actually mad at me because she had been thinking about starting up utilizing the DJ, who I kid you maybe not, is known as DJ Jionni Pops.

Precisely why she even then followed myself out inside parking lot is actually beyond myself, but then I remember I found myself carrying her ID and apartment key inside my bra because she wasn’t wearing one.

We pile into an Infiniti and back in bushes. We start Gianna’s hot Couture daydreamer bag and puke in it. Tay prevents the automobile and kicks myself completely. Here is the first-time I actually ever missing control. I’m normally the mom. We awake to a Rottweiler licking vomit away from my tangled hair extensions in a room I don’t acknowledge. Let me perish right here.

Nikki picks me upwards inside her Benz, so we light up and consume bagels and drive across bridge, to and fro, back-and-forth, up and over once again. We pay attention to the “Rent” sound recording and don’t make inquiries or evaluate each other whenever we both burst into rips looking to the limitless water, shoveling cream-cheese inside our faces performing “Seasons Of admiration.” Our very own hands touch-in precisely the method genuine family members can. I want to die right here.


“i have never handled a girl before,” she peels my personal too-tight crop top off my personal boobies and starts kissing all of them. I’m much taller than her and form of feel I am nursing an infant as she sucks away inside my breast. I observe the girl incorporate songs showing. She fingers me personally with long acrylic fingernails, and so they don’t feel because bad as every lesbian claims they would. Hold off, no, that’s not my clit. There is an actual turd on the floor when you look at the stall next to you. I’d like to die here.

We drive house in a blackout and I navigate verbally as she speeds by reddish lights blasting “Rob Zombie.” When we go back home, we concoct a drunk food from whatever we could: oats with American cheddar. I will be ashamed to report: It was tasty. Let me perish right here.


“can be your lawn mowed like your mind?” a balding guy goes me personally a Jameson shot.

I’ve a buzzed head with glossy black colored leggings and thigh-high shoes. We look like i will take a bootleg type of the “Rocky Horror Picture Show,” or at some dance club in Bushwick, but i am from the post office cafe in lengthy isle. My personal gf and I also have kicked out since they believe we are attempting to sell gender.


“Will I actually view you once again?” I want to physically suffocate myself personally inside her curly brown tresses, knowing that this may likely be the last time that we see each other. Its genuine now, for reasons uknown I can’t put. All the other never-see-you-agains had been practice until recently. She servings my face within her fingers, and even though she will never love myself just how I want to be loved, I’m sure just how much she loves me personally — almost anxiously. Allow me to die right here.


The Versace Mansion. I am gliding through the pool, over silver, drifting on wine bubbles. Some guy I went along to highschool with is all of a sudden the bartender and it is graciously serving me drinks and showing me personally personal components of the residence — however exclusive elements of himself, because, luckily, we’re both gay. I have been using my incredibly loud Sicilian household, my personal mommy fumbling with her telephone while my aunt attempts to teach the girl ways to use Instagram, and my personal uncle falling the bartender $100 costs because “He’s an effective child.” I am operating my mother peanuts as I keep shrieking to their from pool, asking if she’s going to create me cooked ziti. She phone calls myself a granuda, meaning ball-buster in Italian. The scene isn’t the Lana video clip of my fantasies. The girl I was meant to connect with this evening provides chosen “I

t’s not a good idea,” and I also’m entirely peeing when you look at the Versace share. Let me perish here.

However, drunkenly reaching for my telephone at 4 a.m. —

I’m between my mother and aunt in Gianni Versace’s sleep, and it’s really thus tremendous that we aren’t even holding. Its a pity that I’m spending some time in a bed that has been originally designed for gay orgies with my drooling and snoring family members, but Instagram discusses that up.

She picks myself up in a Ferrari that she actually is most likely renting, and exactly how she slides her hand up my personal leg but won’t kiss me drives myself outrageous. We shoot Lana’s “created To Die” record as loud because goes while driving on the shore going about 99. I really do have an awful infant by my personal beautiful side, in case I-go, i will not perish pleased tonight. Then she draws over and investigates me. Investigates me. Breathes on me. Come closer. Let me perish here.

We spend the night (early morning) together in a penthouse apartment that individuals drunkenly finagled. We cuddle. I am topless in man short underwear, and she is in basketball shorts that directly men are notorious for putting on after intercourse. She actually leaves unceremoniously, and I also order an instance of Sauvignon blanc and a salmon poke bowl. I get lost watching “The L Word,” then swim inside the exclusive share, finding out about from the cloudless sky, thinking where my personal handbag went. I would ike to die here.


My mommy would bring me to the playground, and force and force until we went “too high.” I did not wish stop flying.  But I didn’t desire to drop. “Higher, Ma.” The trees expanded bigger, next smaller, next larger, next blurred. The move slowed down. Another ex and that I smoked on swings.  The trees increased larger, then more compact, subsequently bigger, next blurred. We went home — failed to kiss. And, like I became in twelfth grade again, I was aware of exactly how my hair and my personal fingers smelled. I shot to popularity my boots, crept upstairs, changed my clothing, and washed my personal hands before kissing my sleeping dad’s temple. Riding backwards about train, I wait for conductor to express “Pinelawn Cemetery.” I really could perish right here. The woods grow bigger, next smaller, then larger, subsequently blur.


Off the bus to my Greek babysitter. “Yia Yia, may I please have french fries?” She provides myself all food I’m generally banned to own, and I gorge to my personal center’s content material. She phone calls me personally her stunning lady. When, we chug so many Hi-C’s that I puke down my personal JC Penny top. I nevertheless wish more. I want to die right here.


The Saint Patrick’s Day Parade. Long Isle Railroad. Green squirt painted locks and beer belches. No, actually, I would ike to perish here.


Whenever she touches myself, I’m carried to apparently insignificant moments: a gas section bathroom, a food store section, losing my enamel when you look at the buck store. I imagined this meant that I happened to be talented — clairvoyant possibly — but google says i would have PTSD.

She’s kissing me personally, and I’m here, i am so right here, but I’m also in my childhood bedroom cutting upwards J-14 publications creating a collage. I am in addition leasing a video clip at Blockbuster. I am coming, I am crazy, but I am at my first-grade table.


I am obtaining a tattoo on her. It doesn’t harm; it tickles. She’s going to damage me personally afterwards, but the means I like. Dahlia. Dahlia, Dahlia, Dahlia. Allow me to perish right here.

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